The Sacred Path of Love 2016 Day 1
Love Life Regret
by Dr Sawssan Ahmed
What is a relationship? For it to be considered a relationship, there has to be some kind of exchange there.
Was it a one-sided relationship? Did you perceive there to be a relationship to be broken in the first place?
You will have different expectations and different complications depending on the type of relationship you can have. Think about which types of these relationships can bring us pain? For each of us it’s going to be different. Someone can have a strong emotional reaction in their relationship with their boss whilst another person doesn’t.
Ask yourself, is there an emotional tie between me and a particular friend?
Is this emotional tie beneficial or destructive? Is it helping me or hurting me? This is something you need to do in that relationship. If a particular relationship is causing you pain, this is something really important you need to think about.
If we don’t resolve the negative emotions that come with certain relationships, we’re going to constantly be leaking energy.
If we’re not really conscious of the kind of ties we have with someone, it becomes a relational pattern: a way that you relate to others that becomes a pattern. Why is it that I always end up in this kind of situation and how do I break this pattern?
A good way to tell if you’re still emotionally tied to a person is, if there is a particular emotional reaction that comes up when you think about this person, like if your body tenses up. It may be time to think about how it’s affecting to me and how much it’s affecting me.
Expectations in relationships:
One thing to think about is whether you have the right expectations in that relationship at all these levels: affection, compassion, respect, consideration, time, intimacy, generosity. Do your expectations in all these aspects match with the other person’s expectations? Do you need to raise or lower your expectations in this relationship for it to keep going?
How do we go to the next step when we’re in a broken relationship?
First, think about whether this has happened more than once. Have I had the same kind of interaction with another person?
Next, think about whether this is a relationship you want to repair? Do you want to keep it this relationship, and at what level do you want to keep it? Sometimes this is the most difficult decision to make.
Is that person keeping you from moving forward in life?
It’s okay to let yourself feel the pain. You need to give yourself the time and space to feel that pain and to forgive yourself.
In order to move on from painful relationships and thoughts, you have to acknowledge them. But don’t wallow in them.
The good thing about doing this is that it allows you to take charge of yourself and your emotions.
Think of something positive to tell yourself every time a particular negative feeling or emotion comes to you. For example, “I will treat people with kindness. I will develop a healthy way of living.” This creates the room for closure and gives you the chance to be freed from the shackles of the past.
Practice patience and mindfulness: be patient with ourselves and with other people. Life is so fast-paced. Mindfulness really allows you to break away from that monotony and makes you think about things before doing them.
Everyone feels pain. No one lives life free from pain. It’s part of what defines us and it is part of what makes us who we are. How we handle that pain is what’s important moving on.
One of the things that we teach in psychotherapy is to attach a different emotional meaning to that negative memory. So think about what did I learn from this experience? This is a good way to take charge of the emotional experience with a particular person.